As many in my generation, I experimented with various substances. I made several bad decisions as a younger man in the name of curiosity. I have always considered myself a strong minded person and that no physically negating experiment or substance would ever become a habit. Perhaps it was that confidence that led me to those bad decisions, who knows. Any of those "practices", if you will, ended well over a decade ago and I have never looked back on trying them again because there is no purpose.
I do however, enjoy to drink. I am naturally a loud, boisterous person with an obvious spark for life. Imbibing with friends only makes me do all of those things on a more extreme scale. I have never seen anything wrong with that as I have always done so in what I would generally classify as moderation with a few indulgences here and there that would result in some awful decisions.
The realization that I had recently was not that I had a problem but that I had a fascination with depression. As a young teenager I faced an extraordinary amount of psychological adversity and it resulted in a very pissed of high school student. I fought with my parents with whom I said and did things to that-regardless of my great relationship with them now- will always regret. I adopted an atheist world view at the age of thirteen and loved to rile up students with the idea that God did not exist which was against the grain, to say the least, in the deep South. I was just plain angry.
Either way, in a moment of anger or in a bout of depression I discovered an outlet of poetry. Something creative within me would be sparked by these severe emotions and as opposed to punching a wall or destroying something, I would pick up a pen and paper and create something. After I turned twenty-one I would use alcohol especially when I was upset because it felt natural to be inspired by alcohol and it would lead to what I thought was some of my best writing. The end game was that once I wrote something I was well on my way to recovery. I mistakenly learned that alcohol sped up this process and now I have come to understand that it only inhibits it.
The lesson learned is that nothing I have done has ever led me to what I would call a comfortable financial position nor has it led me to a long term relationship that brings happiness, at least that I have been able to sustain. Therefore, perhaps I am not doing it right. I went through the Winter of 2012 and almost all of 2013 on a crutch good Scotch and cheap beer. I was not cutting my hair, I was not shaving; I was literally just as much of a mess on the outside as I was on the inside.
Last Saturday, I sat with two of my best friends in my parents back yard drinking, smoking cigars and laughing about old war stories of our early twenties. The drive home to Michigan the next day brought a revelation to me that I have never entertained; sobriety. With sobriety came the clarity that I am a thirty-five year old divorced father who is single, has a great career yet lives just above a check-to-check budget. This is as embarrassing to admit it as it is well overdue for a change. What got me here, will not get me there.
Tonight I will go to bed sober for the seventh night in a row since then. I did not have my son this weekend so I had every opportunity to bury myself in late nights and rough mornings. Every time I would want to wander to refrigerator, I recognized it and did something else. I would read, I would write, watch TV, play a video game, go to the gym or go for a run. The sad part is, I could not tell you last time I could string together seven consecutive nights without even the two-beer-baseball-game-on-the-couch routine. Tonight, I can.
This is not me swearing off alcohol forever but avoiding it when I know it will only kick the can down the road. I have debt of emotion that I want to liquidate now so I will face it with sober regard. Put plainly, I will not drink until I am in a better place because I can get there quicker without it. I finally realize and accept that.
Ironically the most sobering experience I have had to date was one that was just that; a sobering experience.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
On The Road
As technology advances, our lives get a little bit more efficient and a little bit easier. As great as that may be there is something to be said about stripping things down and pushing through something that is not so easy in order to gain a sense of accomplishment.
When it comes to transportation we have so many options to efficiently travel long distances but to me, taking a road trip is exactly the practice that can bring you so many rewards. Anyone can wait in an airport terminal, ride along in a train or take some type of boat or ferry somewhere. Taking the wheel and braving multiple hours of waging a war of attrition upon hundreds of miles brings can be appreciated for different reasons.
Within just the physical aspect of it, you are sitting in the same position as dotted lines tick by below you as you collect mile markers in your back pocket; it's hypnotizing to say the least. When it is you versus the road, you gain a perspective on much of your life. You realize the comfort bubble of where you live is a small one but plays in integral role in the grand scheme of life around you. Some can gain the understanding that perhaps the smaller problems we have do not warrant as much worry as we give them.
On a mental note, the amount of time you have for your mind to ponder is incredible. If you want to mull over a solution to a problem or appreciate the thousands of things you overlook on a daily basis, you suddenly have plenty of time to do that.
Also, road trips are escapism at its greatest. If you are stressed out by some life decisions, your relationships, your career, certain friends or family then hitting the road might be the remedy for what ails you. Getting out and getting away for a brief stint could be the "reset" that you need.
For me, these are all great thoughts and valid points. Ultimately I take something much more simplistic from a lengthy road trip; a reminder. There are times in life where no matter how hard you stomp on the gas pedal and no matter how much of your effort could equate to horsepower, you have to accept that your wheels are just going to spin. The road trip that I took recently to South Carolina reminded me that with just a small amount of focus and will power that I can make progress.
I was reminded that sometimes people, events and circumstances can serve as unnecessary rest stops in your life. I learned that if sometimes no matter how bad you want to stop and yield your time and effort towards something, that you will be paying the larger price of less time elsewhere. You will delay your arrival time to the goal you are driving towards. I understand that my time is limited and it would serve me best to apply myself to where I am appreciated, what exactly makes me happy and- most importantly- what I am passionate about.
These points are simple to understand but sometimes difficult to implement, believe me, I can testify to that. We are imperfect beings and will be inefficient sometimes on that metaphorical highway of life. If you are spending time somewhere or waiting on something then make sure that it is worth the effort you are making. If you deem that it is, be convicted to it and allow it to fill you up. If it is not, put that baby back in drive and get back out there; you will get there eventually.
When it comes to transportation we have so many options to efficiently travel long distances but to me, taking a road trip is exactly the practice that can bring you so many rewards. Anyone can wait in an airport terminal, ride along in a train or take some type of boat or ferry somewhere. Taking the wheel and braving multiple hours of waging a war of attrition upon hundreds of miles brings can be appreciated for different reasons.
Within just the physical aspect of it, you are sitting in the same position as dotted lines tick by below you as you collect mile markers in your back pocket; it's hypnotizing to say the least. When it is you versus the road, you gain a perspective on much of your life. You realize the comfort bubble of where you live is a small one but plays in integral role in the grand scheme of life around you. Some can gain the understanding that perhaps the smaller problems we have do not warrant as much worry as we give them.
On a mental note, the amount of time you have for your mind to ponder is incredible. If you want to mull over a solution to a problem or appreciate the thousands of things you overlook on a daily basis, you suddenly have plenty of time to do that.
Also, road trips are escapism at its greatest. If you are stressed out by some life decisions, your relationships, your career, certain friends or family then hitting the road might be the remedy for what ails you. Getting out and getting away for a brief stint could be the "reset" that you need.
For me, these are all great thoughts and valid points. Ultimately I take something much more simplistic from a lengthy road trip; a reminder. There are times in life where no matter how hard you stomp on the gas pedal and no matter how much of your effort could equate to horsepower, you have to accept that your wheels are just going to spin. The road trip that I took recently to South Carolina reminded me that with just a small amount of focus and will power that I can make progress.
I was reminded that sometimes people, events and circumstances can serve as unnecessary rest stops in your life. I learned that if sometimes no matter how bad you want to stop and yield your time and effort towards something, that you will be paying the larger price of less time elsewhere. You will delay your arrival time to the goal you are driving towards. I understand that my time is limited and it would serve me best to apply myself to where I am appreciated, what exactly makes me happy and- most importantly- what I am passionate about.
These points are simple to understand but sometimes difficult to implement, believe me, I can testify to that. We are imperfect beings and will be inefficient sometimes on that metaphorical highway of life. If you are spending time somewhere or waiting on something then make sure that it is worth the effort you are making. If you deem that it is, be convicted to it and allow it to fill you up. If it is not, put that baby back in drive and get back out there; you will get there eventually.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Unlatched
All we have is our perception. We have only insight into our own feelings, thoughts and the 'why' behind our own actions. I know what I feel and with the best of my ability I attempt to understand the environment around me; the circumstances I face, the decisions I make and and how I interact with the people around me.
Unfortunately sometimes, that perception is not accurate and it collides with the cold hard reality of what is actually going on around us. I am beginning to believe that this is the only true adversity we ever face in life; the reconciliation of what we assumed and the actuality of what is.
This year started off with a wonderful relationship that blind sided me. Like the fan who caught the home run ball, he sits there running his fingers over the stitches and where the ball was scuffed up from contact with the bat. Out of all the tens of thousands of fans in the stands, he had this one in a million chance to catch this ball and it is his alone to show and for all to envy. Sometimes, that home run ball is hit by the away team and against your own wishes, it beckons to be thrown back on the field.
My perception was that I truly captured something special and the reality is that what I thought was wrong. The healing process begins for me, yet again.
Reflecting back- when my marriage turned to separation almost two years ago I was determined to learn something from it. I was successful; I extracted some truths about myself that pained me to accept but I found that process necessary. I have learned so much about what our perception of the end a relationship should be versus the reality of what it needs to be. Learn to leave the regret behind and leverage the experience in an honest fashion to learn something from it and do not make that same mistake again.
My lesson in this? No matter how intense the emotions are, how perfectly the puzzle pieces seem to fit, how strong the butterflies flutter and how many great things come from the time spent together you cannot be greedy. Patience and moderation yield an organic level of consistency. Excess and haste yield an unnatural and unsustainable pace. Embrace turns to suffocation and desires spoil to indulgence.
We are emotional beings; sometimes we move towards pleasure and other times we move from pain. The pace in which we do so sets the tone for everything in our life. Marcus Mumford said it best with his lyric "And I will love with urgency but not with haste." and I knew that to be a truth. I allowed the pleasure of my feelings to serve as a catalyst to the pace at which I was pursuant to.
Easily there are things for me to learn here. I'll pick up the pieces, acknowledge the ones that are a part of me that I am not happy with, accept them and learn from them. I also take with me the fact that one of my faults was that I loved too much. You see, every other time I did it wrong. I allowed some lack of effort on my part to ruin everything. This time, I did it right. The effort was dominantly present. I will learn from this but I will walk away with a genuine smile on my face because of the manner in which I walked into it.
Unfortunately sometimes, that perception is not accurate and it collides with the cold hard reality of what is actually going on around us. I am beginning to believe that this is the only true adversity we ever face in life; the reconciliation of what we assumed and the actuality of what is.
This year started off with a wonderful relationship that blind sided me. Like the fan who caught the home run ball, he sits there running his fingers over the stitches and where the ball was scuffed up from contact with the bat. Out of all the tens of thousands of fans in the stands, he had this one in a million chance to catch this ball and it is his alone to show and for all to envy. Sometimes, that home run ball is hit by the away team and against your own wishes, it beckons to be thrown back on the field.
My perception was that I truly captured something special and the reality is that what I thought was wrong. The healing process begins for me, yet again.
Reflecting back- when my marriage turned to separation almost two years ago I was determined to learn something from it. I was successful; I extracted some truths about myself that pained me to accept but I found that process necessary. I have learned so much about what our perception of the end a relationship should be versus the reality of what it needs to be. Learn to leave the regret behind and leverage the experience in an honest fashion to learn something from it and do not make that same mistake again.
My lesson in this? No matter how intense the emotions are, how perfectly the puzzle pieces seem to fit, how strong the butterflies flutter and how many great things come from the time spent together you cannot be greedy. Patience and moderation yield an organic level of consistency. Excess and haste yield an unnatural and unsustainable pace. Embrace turns to suffocation and desires spoil to indulgence.
We are emotional beings; sometimes we move towards pleasure and other times we move from pain. The pace in which we do so sets the tone for everything in our life. Marcus Mumford said it best with his lyric "And I will love with urgency but not with haste." and I knew that to be a truth. I allowed the pleasure of my feelings to serve as a catalyst to the pace at which I was pursuant to.
Easily there are things for me to learn here. I'll pick up the pieces, acknowledge the ones that are a part of me that I am not happy with, accept them and learn from them. I also take with me the fact that one of my faults was that I loved too much. You see, every other time I did it wrong. I allowed some lack of effort on my part to ruin everything. This time, I did it right. The effort was dominantly present. I will learn from this but I will walk away with a genuine smile on my face because of the manner in which I walked into it.
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