October 1st. I remember this date in 2012 so vividly. I had spent the entire previous weekend moving all of my belongings by myself from the condo in Fenton where I lived with my wife, stepson and son to an apartment in Livonia. That night would be the first night I'd fall asleep alone in dead quiet as no children, another adult or a dog were there to stir the silence. It was a Monday and it was incredibly surreal.
I am infamous for being able to fall asleep quickly under ridiculous circumstances. Just got into an argument? Good night. Woke up a little too early on a Sunday, had cup of coffee and a light rain outside got the best of me? Lights out. That night was different. What had I just done? I broke vow by giving up. I let down an 11 year old. My own son was sleeping in a crib 50 miles away. Did I just make the right decision by asking for a divorce?
I could not believe how unhappy I was with a commitment I had made that, by design, is meant to bring structure, stability and happiness to one person. Sure, marriage is no walk in the park but my God was it supposed to have the lowest of lows this consistently? I chose to pursue my own happiness and now I couldn't bare the thought of my own decision. Finally exhausted I fell asleep at who knows what hour and had that weird thing happen where you wake up and you think the awful circumstance you fell asleep under was part of the dream that you just had. You receive that split second of relief where you thank your lucky stars that what you previously held as an awful reality was just fiction. Then the cold, other side of the bed brought it all tumbling down again.
These eight years have been a journey and I have easily grown more as a person within them more than I probably had my entire adult life outside of that. I have reconnected with family that I hardly spoke to in years, reinvested time into friendships that have paid dividends since then and finally digested the giant slice of humility that I served myself of financially restarting my entire life. I used the phrase journey a moment ago but frankly it's been one multipronged life lesson that I have thoroughly enjoyed.
I have found new friendships since then that are just as strong as ones I've had for decades. I have had my heart filled up and broken. I've learned new things and picked up new hobbies. I've re-established the relationship with that then-eleven-year-old and we have a great presence in each other's lives. I have learned to love myself and found comfort in solitude. That might ring with a grim undertone but it's the opposite; I am comfortable in my own skin.
Most importantly, where many people hold grudges and maintain awful interactions with their former spouse, that bond has become a strength for our son. I would say we are all lucky that it has worked out but in fact the work was done and we're all grateful for the fact that not only are we all adults, we all are able to consistently act like it.
I noticed the date was October 1st today right before bed. I stopped on the way to bed, turned around and wanted to capture my thoughts in the moment. While many times I recognize a recurring date and hold on to the awful things that might have happened on this anniversary, today is not one of those days for me anymore. October is that first month in Michigan where we don't hold on to random warm days and accept that fact that cold weather is on the horizon. That nature around us dies and retracts for awhile. Instead on dwelling on the significance of the cold change in season which coincided with letting go of dying relationships, instead I'll appreciate the wonderful life that has grown out of that compost because it's one I am incredibly proud of.
