I am haunted by a ghost.
It is the apparition of a relationship that I somehow cannot let go of. I seek a release, not of any hold the person has on me but of the redefining nature that she represented to me. My heart left a door open for someone, with hopes that it would become a catalyst to great things but once inside it has become a torment that I naively allowed to redefine aspects of what a relationship should be. The problem is, those new definitions were predicated on falsehood; nothing within what I admired were actually ever real.
We seek and we want something genuine to love in our hearts. Whether you believe that Christ was a fierce mystic of a mortal or the only son of God, I believe he was great at categorizing sin in terms of the human heart. When sold out to Pontius Pilate, he recognized the sin of the man who sold him to Pilate was greater than the sin of Pilate who effectively sentenced him to death. In other words, it is the malintent that is recognized as greater in sin of treacherously delivering a man, than it is the man who proverbially swings the sword. He had it right. Metaphorically, if we allow someone to believe in something and then act against them, it is worse than the pain of the truth he must deal with next.
The conflict I have is that I was allowed to believe in something that did not exist. Once it was gone, the lingering effects crept in slowly and deliberately, corrupting my well. I am affected in absolute form in a poisoning sense. I am the discarded whetstone to her now sharpened blade; my use no longer beneficial. My descent from the clouds has begun yet I have so far to fall. I recognize this now.
The deepest blow is that while I descend, I had the fortune of another heart touching mine. It was one of purity and a genuine nature however based on my ghostly preconceived notions I was not able to connect. I imagine that as one drowns, right before the all of oxygen is burned, that there is a tremendous fight that is both recognized and then let go of and that must be similar to what I feel now and that pains me.
So begins my task of reconciling the collateral damage that I am solely responsible for.
This is a spirit that painfully lingers and since it has no business here, I need to force it to the light of the other side. I am cognizant of it's presence and realize that it is more than a spirit, it is a possessive demon that must leave. I will purify my house with the sanctity of honesty. I will embrace the faith that is represented by my perseverance to love again. I will arm myself with the holy water that is my good intention and the cross that is my commitment to learn from my mistakes. I will burn this demon to the ground and replace the emptiness that I have allowed to fill me.
I will be whole again because I believe that I can be.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Origin, pondered.
In a previous post, I suggested that my difficulty with accepting divine intervention would be a future topic. Tonight I would like to expand upon that.
Before you read further, I need to establish two ground rules.
First understand that I am not looking for your retort or spiritual input on this post. I always welcome a conversation about faith but social media is not a forum that yields a productive one. Second, this is me expressing my beliefs not me asking for your spiritual support or guidance so please remember that. Remember, if you would ever like to discuss any of this (I say discuss because I do not "debate" it anymore) then you know where to find me. I am capable of contributing to one of the most opposing, yet productive, conversations that you will ever have about faith and I welcome your invite.
There are two schools of thought. Either you believe that an omnipotent being chose for us to exist or our life exists as a side affect of a cosmological anomaly that occurred almost 14 billion years ago. The former makes up a diverse theological mix many of which believe that divine intervention either previously occurred or that it still occurs today. That is the concept I am zeroing in on tonight.
In the secure bubble of our own worlds, there is evidence of miracles. We fight incurable diseases against insurmountable odds, we are able to appreciate the small miracles of financial woes subsiding, children remind us that we are created in His image and we can feel love from other people that reminds us of our own humanity. What happens when we wander outside of that bubble?
To us, the greatest injustice is when someone is wronged by the government or when someone falls victim to a medical condition or freak accident. We cannot be empathetic to truly awful circumstances like incurable and widespread disease, family members starving to death and brutal dictators that cause unspeakable actions, to name a few. There is little evidence of divine intervention in areas in those areas of the world. For every mother that claims her prayers were answered because of a miracle of modern medicine, there are ten more elsewhere that bury their children because either they were murdered or died of a some type of disease that may have even been curable. Is this a matter of where divinity intervened?
In the wide scope of events, can one of these mothers say their prayers were answered because their child lived and the other mother's prayers were not answered because their child died? Theology loves to dive in and take specific credit for when situations turn out well but when outcomes are dark, theology will back off quickly with a generalization; this god answered those prayers because of this reason but this situation did not turn out well so we must not be meant to understand. That idea is the precipice of my juxtaposition and I take firm perch there. For those of us that believe in divine intervention, that point will cut those of us that believe in divine intervention like a knife because it is the one that has no answer; it takes faith to continue to believe it.
That question and that lack of resounding answer "why", is why I cannot ever have faith that some type of being intervenes today. I recognize beauty and make a deliberate effort to appreciate it every day. To me, there is something glorious behind all of it. I do not believe it steps forward today and intervenes in the affairs of men but I do believe there is a divine presence. Perhaps that just adds integrity to my belief that I have more control of my own affairs and therefore motivates be the better person to serve that being. I do not know but I will not spend my life serving a concept I cannot reconcile. I may very well end up in a "good" lifestyle that mirrors that effort but I believe that I align myself with most "good" people and that practice may be all the faith I ever need.
Before you read further, I need to establish two ground rules.
First understand that I am not looking for your retort or spiritual input on this post. I always welcome a conversation about faith but social media is not a forum that yields a productive one. Second, this is me expressing my beliefs not me asking for your spiritual support or guidance so please remember that. Remember, if you would ever like to discuss any of this (I say discuss because I do not "debate" it anymore) then you know where to find me. I am capable of contributing to one of the most opposing, yet productive, conversations that you will ever have about faith and I welcome your invite.
There are two schools of thought. Either you believe that an omnipotent being chose for us to exist or our life exists as a side affect of a cosmological anomaly that occurred almost 14 billion years ago. The former makes up a diverse theological mix many of which believe that divine intervention either previously occurred or that it still occurs today. That is the concept I am zeroing in on tonight.
In the secure bubble of our own worlds, there is evidence of miracles. We fight incurable diseases against insurmountable odds, we are able to appreciate the small miracles of financial woes subsiding, children remind us that we are created in His image and we can feel love from other people that reminds us of our own humanity. What happens when we wander outside of that bubble?
To us, the greatest injustice is when someone is wronged by the government or when someone falls victim to a medical condition or freak accident. We cannot be empathetic to truly awful circumstances like incurable and widespread disease, family members starving to death and brutal dictators that cause unspeakable actions, to name a few. There is little evidence of divine intervention in areas in those areas of the world. For every mother that claims her prayers were answered because of a miracle of modern medicine, there are ten more elsewhere that bury their children because either they were murdered or died of a some type of disease that may have even been curable. Is this a matter of where divinity intervened?
In the wide scope of events, can one of these mothers say their prayers were answered because their child lived and the other mother's prayers were not answered because their child died? Theology loves to dive in and take specific credit for when situations turn out well but when outcomes are dark, theology will back off quickly with a generalization; this god answered those prayers because of this reason but this situation did not turn out well so we must not be meant to understand. That idea is the precipice of my juxtaposition and I take firm perch there. For those of us that believe in divine intervention, that point will cut those of us that believe in divine intervention like a knife because it is the one that has no answer; it takes faith to continue to believe it.
That question and that lack of resounding answer "why", is why I cannot ever have faith that some type of being intervenes today. I recognize beauty and make a deliberate effort to appreciate it every day. To me, there is something glorious behind all of it. I do not believe it steps forward today and intervenes in the affairs of men but I do believe there is a divine presence. Perhaps that just adds integrity to my belief that I have more control of my own affairs and therefore motivates be the better person to serve that being. I do not know but I will not spend my life serving a concept I cannot reconcile. I may very well end up in a "good" lifestyle that mirrors that effort but I believe that I align myself with most "good" people and that practice may be all the faith I ever need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)