Rise. Then Rise Again.

Looking over my last blog post, I still recognize that I am on what feels like the right path. I recently had what I found to be a bit of a revelation or a milestone, if you will, along that road that I'd like to share. A friend of mine recently mentioned something he read, allow me to paraphrase; "People that have anxiety live in the future and people that have depression are stuck in the past. Live in the present".

Well, something I said in that post was that some aspect of me masochistically enjoys depression but I wasn't sure why at that point. In that paraphrase above and after much thought, it makes more sense. I have found that when one is depressed, it seems to have a bit of a jail cell feel to it. I know, it's a common metaphor, bear with me. The irony is that we keep ourselves in that cell. Every crack on the wall is familiar to us. Every crevice is carefully studied to the point it feels like an old friend. There is a strong familiarity you are filled with when you cannot emotionally kick start yourself out of a funk because essentially you are in your own head; you know exactly how it feels, hence familiarity. We all have a comfort level around what we know and sometimes we stick to that. I believe that's why I stayed in it so long and couldn't shake it.

As I explored that cell and really got to know it, it occurred to me that any remorseful thoughts I had or hurt that I felt was not the entity that put the lock on the door; I was. I allowed myself to live in the past. I played out the fantasy of how a relationship would come back around again. I felt remorse for a heart that I had knowingly broken. I put myself through anguish because I didn't take the steps I originally wanted to better provide for my son. I invoked negative self talk for things I had failed at in my job. It was awful, unnecessary and all in the past. I had to let it go. I put that fucking lock on the door myself and it was time to break it open.

Driving to work the other day, a song came on that spoke to me. The lyrics were one that rang of surrendering and finally feeling free with moving on. The sun was shining and I had some things to be excited about at my job. I had everything right there in front of me to move on and just needed to throw up a white flag and surrender to that which ailed me. Before I knew it, in truly ridiculous and dramatic fashion, I had tears running down my face and I was laughing all at the same time. The driver in front of me was lucky I didn't rear end him in the overcome emotional state I was in. You see, I forgave myself and that was all I needed to hear.

I acknowledged that I was okay with putting that lock on the door. The emotional torment I put myself through was unjustified and could finally end. I was not upset with the time I had wasted or any opportunity I'd let pass by because I knew now that there would only be more on the horizon.

For anyone that fights that fight consistently, my heart goes out to you. You might believe outside circumstances have perpetuated the feelings you have now. Part of that may be true but you have a choice. A cliche tells us that even though we get knocked down, the substantial response is to stand back up no matter what the level of adversity. Rise. Then rise again. Loving yourself and surrendering to what you cannot control is the only adequate energy in getting your legs under you. Friends, family, loved ones can support but you have to choose to stand. I rose and I stand now. Granted those legs may be sea legs at best and I will probably falter from time to time. Regardless of the state, I have arrived and I am here.

Where is here? The present. My goodness, the view is plentiful and the warmth ever so intoxicating.

Coming To My Terms

There are times when people become so lost in a mental ailment that they seek a guide to help get them out, professional help.

In my adolescence, I faced something that required me to go through a type of counseling. My opinion of that experience was not one of help but one of meddling. I honestly believe that that process did more bad then good so I am admittedly bias against enlisting that type of help should I need to in the future. That's my motive operandi though, internalization. I will push everyone out and away and work to methodically pin the problem down, dissect it, understand it and then embrace it. When that process is through, I will re-emerge and connect. I am not saying that this is the correct way to handle things but just what seems to work for me or at least the action I default to.

I have finally been able to uncover the identity of a severe problem I have had for the last 18 months. Initially I thought it was just a broken heart and it would pass but it was a deeper affliction than that. My work has completely changed which yields a lot of frustration and anxiety but this was more circumstantial than that. Finally I uncovered that what I have been truly dealing with is depression. Sounds crazy, right? The folks I interact with on a regular basis would probably tell you I am upbeat, always positive and that I laugh loud and often. This is all true but I know that many times it is me over-compensating for the fulfillment I lack.

Paradoxically spoken, depression is a funny thing. Those who have never suffered with it have trouble comprehending how someone cannot just move on, let go, change their outlook and perk up. For those that have dealt (or do deal) with it, it is difficult to explain but I will give it a shot for the sake of the writing exercise.

Depression is not so much an incompleteness in someone's heart as it is a tiny black hole in the center of one's soul. A black hole uses immense gravitational force to draw in every thing around it. The pull of it is so great that it even pulls light in and never releases it. That is exactly what depression does to any amount of happiness we may experience in our lives. Psychologists theorize on the chemical nature of depression from their outside perspective just as scientists must hypothesize externally from the internal nature of these gravitational anomalies.

I do not have a map for my way out of this and do not wish to hire a makeshift cartographer to help. The internalization process I mentioned before had already begun and whether it was right or wrong, I began to push people away. For a significant amount of time I stayed out of the bars and dried out, so to speak. I understand exactly what the issue is now and embrace the fact that it is indeed a problem. I have found what I believe is a path out of these woods and have a ways to go but it feels right. The odd truth is that in some masochistic way, there are qualities of depression that I actually enjoy. That part I haven't quite figured out yet but I have grown tired of self loathing. The encore to my pity party is winding down. Time is a powerful force and I just need to continue to apply it and for me to stay the course.

I purposely held back on posting this blog entry because I feared the potential reaction from family and friends. To get to the center of this, I needed solitude and my guess is I would have gotten anything but that had I posted it while dealing with this. I am hard-headed, naive, and quick to deny help; I get it. Evolution has physically brought defense mechanisms to living things much like experiences do to humans but on a psychological level. Either instance should be accepted as a natural behavior and not looked at indifferently.

This has been my lesson to learn, these were my terms to come to and this was my  personal evolution. They say you do not appreciate what you have until it's gone and being content is something I have both missed dearly and long for again. The difference this time is that my appetite is more well suited to crave something that is actually healthy for me.

My appetite is wet and I am almost home.