A Better Place

Two years ago, I was living in the basement of my own home and preparing to separate from my wife and start the divorce process. My head was filled with more concerns, fears and emotions that I knew what to do with. Autumn was beginning and being the person that searches for metaphors in everything in life, I recognized the dying of life around me only fit into the parallel that was my marriage. I was angry, alone, bitter and wounded. I was a victim.

I began to recognize that I added aspects to my personality that I had created to suit other people's needs. Shame on me for creating them in compensatory fashion in the first place but at least I ultimately recognized the need for their purging. I found myself last year and recently I made the mistake of underestimating the beauty of knowing what I am.

Earlier this year I was in a relationship that, at the time, I thought it impossible to go any better. Unfortunately the rubber of my perception met the road of reality and it cause an abrupt u-turn in the direction we were headed. It was then that I made the afore mentioned mistake. I defaulted to thinking what it was I could have possibly thought that I did wrong. My knee-jerk reaction was to put myself through re-invention mode because that's what I had always done and it always seemed to work. Something internal was awry and I could not figure it out until last week.

I realized I was making drastic changes like being more reserved at work, I did not touch alcohol for almost three weeks and tried to do some soul searching to find what changes I needed to make. This was the first time that I attempted my old habit of trying to reinvent myself solely for the purpose of change after the grueling task of reconciling (or "iReconciling" for those of you that followed that blog last year). I had the revelation that previously I would reinvent myself because what I was originally representing simply was not me. I was fake. Think of the old table that has layers upon layers of paint. It can fit the scheme of any room with a simple coat of paint. What I had done last year was strip away ever layer on that old table and simply added a stain to allow the natural beauty of the wood to shine. Now, I accept the fact that both this table will not fit every room and that it never has to.

This week I took off of work and was able to enjoy myself and things I love. I went to a football game with one of my best friends, reconnected with several old friends that I have not seen in months or even years, I read, I wrote, I laughed heartily and flirted deliberately. Hell, I even had a few drinks and was able simply enjoy what it feels like in my own skin.

As my son played soccer today, I cheered him on along with ex-wife, her boyfriend and Knox's older brother. Not one moment was any of it awkward. I was able to see her laugh and be happy with someone else and it felt good. I was able to tease the now young man I once called a step-son and it filled my heart.

All of the emptiness I felt has been replaced with love. All of the callous skin on my heart was exfoliated by appreciating what I have around me. All of the bitterness I held on to has been cast away with accepting the truth. I finally feel whole again. There is no disdain for anything or anyone in my rear view mirror. They will only receive a smile and an acknowledgment that the only thing they did was help shape me into the man I am proud to be today.

An evaluation of value

When I think of the word value, two ideas come to mind. The first may be referencing your moral compass that influences your decision making and behavior. The second thought that may come to mind is to understand the worth of something; monetary or otherwise. Today, I will be focusing on the latter.

Individually, we assign our own value to everything in life; people, relationships, material items as well as intangibles like emotions or experiences. The aspect of "value" that I am zeroing in on is the worth we assign to relationships. Holding a value with something suggests that there is a potential exchange for something else. In other words, we are well aware of the value of the relationship with our significant other but what comes in to question is how we express our knowledge of that value, or lack there of. 

In any relationship, a friendship or an intimate one, we individually bring our strengths and our weaknesses to the table. Accurately representing who we are to the other person is the most efficient way to realizing how the two of you will relate. Unfortunately, it is not that easy though, is it? I have identified two problems that may arise, making it difficult.

The first is regarding how we deceive ourselves. We feel the need to emphasize our strengths and disguise our weaknesses. Perhaps this is a projection of what we want to be. I assure you, the other person will ultimately know exactly what you are, it is only a matter of time. There is no logical argument to be made in utilizing a disguise or exaggeration of what you are. Your honestly will only insure that the outcome of that relationship- good or bad- will happen efficiently. Since we are mortal beings with a limited amount of time we are literally incentivized to be honest. 

The second is more tricky because it involves us deceiving the other person. For that, I cannot speak to the motive but I can identify the action. Some of us have a difficult time consistently showing the other person how we actually value them. This is a more difficult type of honestly because it involves communicating to that person what we truly feel about them. If we hold that other person in high regard; show them. Give them the attention they require, understand and embrace what makes them tick and most importantly never let them assume how you are feeling about them; open your mouth and tell them. If we no longer hold that person in the regard that we once did, it is our duty to disclose this and do so swiftly. Worse even, some of us will continue through the motions of that relationship and act as if nothing has ever changed between the two of you. That type of action is an unidentifiable mixture of so many cardinal sins because it requires the cowardice act of not speaking your thoughts and it requires the deceit of allowing that person to continue on naively.

There are people in this life that have an incredibly difficult time with evaluating the worth of what they have around them. Someone who cannot assess the value of something right in front of them is someone who will never be able to show appreciation for it. This problem is curable for anyone but is best addressed in solitude. Put plainly, I cannot tell you how long that will take but I can tell you they have to realize that on their own.

We owe it to ourselves to find someone who not only recognizes but also appreciates our value. Humans are capable of showing unquantifiable amounts of love so there is no reason to settle. As bad as it may hurt, people that cannot give that appreciation must be left behind until they can address that issue. It is a cold hard truth but walk away from that person. They may have never learned to see the value in you but perhaps they will learn how to better recognize value in general once you are gone.

Forces at work and choices to make

Some believe that we are here for a reason and are meant to repeat this life until we understand that reason. Some believe that behind everything that goes on in the world, there is a divine plan at work that we are not meant to fully comprehend. Some believe in a type of energy; what you put out will eventually come back to you. I have yet to accept any of these doctrines because they all require some degree of divine intervention. My difficultly with accepting that concept is perhaps a future topic but generally speaking, you need to understand that conflict within me exists in order to make sense of my thoughts here.

There are times that I feel as if I am in touch with the idea that I have a purpose. In those moments, I am not sure what that purpose is but it feels like one that is great in scope. I have survived two horrific car crashes without a scrape, I held onto my sanity through some adverse conditions in my adolescence and somehow the stars seem to align for me, yielding glimpses of what it feels like to be whole. It would seem that surely those circumstances must have been divinely coerced. Sometimes I am able to close my eyes and feel the sun on the darkest day and I am at peace. How could I not find divinity in the beauty of the world around me?

Then suddenly, when it feels as if my footing could not be more sound, everything crumbles below me and I end up alone and left with the task of sorting through a calamity. When I am at the lowest point of these valleys, I hurt. I recognize the good that I put in the world and how my heart can love while being completely void of fear and then I feel that it is all for naught because it has gained me nothing. Even when seemingly doing everything correct, the walls still seem to fall. When I get home at night, I remove a mask. It is one of a boisterous personality that is strapped in place with confidence and charisma. I now realize there is a hairline fracture in it from overuse with the last three years. Time may heal all wounds but we are still forced to bear the scars. How could anything divine be woven into something that hurts tremendously?

Through this existential rigmarole, I suddenly see that I am not okay. I have no anchor to guarantee my position and this storm has been assaulting my shore relentlessly for weeks. Should a new relationship play the role of anchor within this metaphor? Maybe my son? A god, perhaps? My ability to commit to any one person or cause has been postponed until further notice. My calendar is blocked, as I have scheduled a casting call to find that out this year. For a moment, I feel as if I am right back where I started almost two years ago. Alone, brokenhearted and needing to reconcile something internally that is wrong. As soon as that thought enters my head, the concept does not stick with me. Why? Something feels vastly different this time.

While I do not have anything to hold myself upright, I do have better sight to the world around me. Several things have corrected my vision over the past few years; honesty in my relationships, a genuine level of effort in loving those around me and the reconciliation of priorities that my son lovingly and inadvertently resets for me every day. I will find enough solace in that to stand and move on. Perhaps I will even discover the purpose I was meant for within the design or I will carve out my own path based on my choices; whichever ends up more suitable to the truth.