Over Before It Began

Previously I have blogged about the experience I have had with the search for my biological mother and where the status of that reunion lies. I say "reunion" in hope of it coming to fruition one day but the reality is that every passing day/week/year is another nail in the coffin of its reality. That blog was written 3.5 years ago on my birthday and can be read HERE

Before I expound on that, you must know that much of this is to be taken with a grain of salt and that I don't know how the actual narrative goes. There's a long story but there are rumors of me being a black market adoption, my father actually knowing of my mother's conception and that Michigan/USA was the foreign "dumping ground" of their illegitimate child for a morally questionable decision they might have made. Then, they would leave the US and return home.

Now, while my biological mother remains silent on her end of the Atlantic, it never sat well with me that Catholic Social Services (CSS) never attempted to search for my father. They said his name is the American equivalent of John Smith, there is no date of birth, no social security number and no military record. A "dead end" they said. This never sat well with me because based on the rough timeline we can establish from what my mother had said versus the fact that immigration records are kept, my feeling was that there must be something. Perhaps that was wishful thinking.

I opened the case back up with the court and was appointed a new confidential intermediary (someone who can review the records and is sworn to secrecy). After a really good conversation with a few folks, they said they would look into it and let me know. A few weeks ago I got the call and they confirmed what CSS  had said; there was not enough information to begin a search. He will remain lost to me, for now. That search was over before it began; the title of my blog tonight.

If I am honest, I hate this. I hate being juxtaposed by how much I absolutely love being a father to my son and how much of a coward my mother is for leaving a dial tone on her end for a decade. I am slowly beginning to accept the possibility that I am a product of either two immoral people or two good people that made a bad decision in the face of adversity. I get the sense that meeting me one day is less about explaining to her partner and family that I exist and more about the shitty decision she may have made a long time ago. Maybe I am wrong.

The top priority for being a parent is to mold a child to do life better than you did. You brought that babe into this world as the product of two people's love for one another and set them out to achieve more than you did. Perhaps even though I was discarded, my existence can still succeed in that purpose. Perhaps if I am able to pay that forward and my son is a better human being than I, then the cycle my biological parents started with my conception and abandonment is broken.

Then again, perhaps my perception is completely wrong and my mother is just scared. This is the crux; speculation. I have next to no knowledge so I have to ponder in a speculative way of rumors, old documents, court intermediaries and conversations ended by the other person. This unique scenario is what I was forged in and am ironically proud of. Without this backstory and speculative past, I would not be this dramatic, emotionally tormented, expressive, apathetic, boisterous idiot that many of you have come to know and some to love. It hurts sometimes but it is what I think anyone from any circumstance could feel. This pain is not exclusive to me. We are all haunted by something and this process of me being shut down served as a reminder to that. What now?

Let's just pick up the pieces, keep moving forward and see what we find on the way together.

Invoking Mother Nature

I sat down tonight to get some thoughts put together for a blog entry and realized it has been over one year since my last entry. Shame on me.

In previous years I have set out to understand something about myself, become personally aware of whatever that ends up becoming and then trying to embrace and understand it. This year I am taking a much different approach.

You'll have to excuse me for a moment because I will sound arrogant in the next paragraph. I will then use that arrogance to ironically humble myself with what it reveals. By now you should know that I simply cannot resist invoking the contradictive nature and inherrant beauty of a paradox.

When you are a white male who is good looking, well spoken, charismatic, approachable and genuine there are a lot of wheels that those qualities will grease. Being frank, I get away with a lot; things that I have spouted off about, an abhorrent amount in relationships, within my circle of friends and even in many cases, with my own family. I am not someone who has had to work an incredible amount for what I have. Sure, I have put in a fair amount of work but I cut corners with a wink and smile much more than I have cared to admit before today. The moment I understood that, I instantly hated myself for how much I have abused it.

I realized I wanted to rewire myself a bit to keep my nose the grindstone a little more than I do to procrastinate. I have had many incredible people as mentors but this year I am turning to a much more classic example; mother nature. I have often had a fascination with the outdoors; camping, hiking, hunting and fishing. However, I have not prioritized these activities enough.

Few of the qualities I mentioned before that I have leveraged in my time are worth a damn in the woods. They do not accelerate the learning curve of the angler, they will not bring game from the field to your table any more efficient than without them, a rough hiking day with a goal of 10+ miles does not recognize charm, only grit. Lastly, allow me to wax poetic in a truly dramatic and over-romanticized fashion; a silver tongue may kindle a fire in a woman's heart but it will fail to nurture a fire in a cold, wet-soaked environment. Only experience and perseverance can accomplish that.

I say all of this to point out that if you happen to wonder why a single, soon-to-be 40 year old man has a sudden upswing in outdoor activities it is not because I am in some existential funk nor a mid-life crisis. I am simply forcing myself into environments to develop a better way to deal with adversity. Also, I chastise society and children today for the over consumption of electronic media (and have been guilty of it myself) so it can't hurt to put the TV remote down and pick a back pack up.

As the weather breaks, I will look forward to not only the lessons learned in the remainder of this year but also to the friendship bonds that will strengthen and the positive residual affect of creating wonderful memories with good people. I will see you in the woods!