Haunted

I am haunted by a ghost.

It is the apparition of a relationship that I somehow cannot let go of. I seek a release, not of any hold the person has on me but of the redefining nature that she represented to me. My heart left a door open for someone, with hopes that it would become a catalyst to great things but once inside it has become a torment that I naively allowed to redefine aspects of what a relationship should be. The problem is, those new definitions were predicated on falsehood; nothing within what I admired were actually ever real.

We seek and we want something genuine to love in our hearts. Whether you believe that Christ was a fierce mystic of a mortal or the only son of God, I believe he was great at categorizing sin in terms of the human heart. When sold out to Pontius Pilate, he recognized the sin of the man who sold him to Pilate was greater than the sin of Pilate who effectively sentenced him to death. In other words, it is the malintent that is recognized as greater in sin of treacherously delivering a man, than it is the man who proverbially swings the sword. He had it right. Metaphorically, if we allow someone to believe in something and then act against them, it is worse than the pain of the truth he must deal with next.

The conflict I have is that I was allowed to believe in something that did not exist. Once it was gone, the lingering effects crept in slowly and deliberately, corrupting my well. I am affected in absolute form in a poisoning sense. I am the discarded whetstone to her now sharpened blade; my use no longer beneficial. My descent from the clouds has begun yet I have so far to fall. I recognize this now.

The deepest blow is that while I descend, I had the fortune of another heart touching mine. It was one of purity and a genuine nature however based on my ghostly preconceived notions I was not able to connect. I imagine that as one drowns, right before the all of oxygen is burned, that there is a tremendous fight that is both recognized and then let go of and that must be similar to what I feel now and that pains me.

So begins my task of reconciling the collateral damage that I am solely responsible for.

This is a spirit that painfully lingers and since it has no business here, I need to force it to the light of the other side. I am cognizant of it's presence and realize that it is more than a spirit, it is a possessive demon that must leave. I will purify my house with the sanctity of honesty. I will embrace the faith that is represented by my perseverance to love again. I will arm myself with the holy water that is my good intention and the cross that is my commitment to learn from my mistakes. I will burn this demon to the ground and replace the emptiness that I have allowed to fill me.

I will be whole again because I believe that I can be.