I woke up that morning much like any other day. I went on autopilot and followed the same routine I have for years now. The reason why I didn't hit the snooze button today was because you were starting an exciting new milestone in your life; September 6th, 2016 was for your first day of Kindergarten. I was extremely excited for you. Even you have been fired up about your first day as you would be doing "real homework" soon. Seeing you genuinely excited about something always makes my heart smile.
I drastically underestimated what today meant to you and the impact that it had upon me. How could I see this coming? For years now, we have dropped you off at a day care with a classroom-like setting for about 8 or so hours. Kindergarten was less than a seven hour day. Sure this will be new people, new teachers and a new setting but the process is the same, right? No. This was the end of an era and as much as I was excited for you, I was slightly saddened.
Today is the day you first begin to face the world. Seeing you stand there with your hair combed, curious eyes flashing and positive attitude showed me your confidence and it confirmed to me that you would be okay. With that, I kissed your forehead and told you to be brave. Your mother, Ryan and I began to walk away from you. Usually I am good at recognizing when you need to face something and when I should step in. I looked back as you noticed we were gone and there was a sudden solemn look on your face and God dammit, it broke my heart.
In that moment, I realized this was this first of what will be countless moments you will have to face adversity without me to protect you. A father's first priority is to protect. In situations where we cannot, we must be there to pick up the pieces and help mold them back together, making you stronger. Physically, mentally, psychologically, philosophically-- any capacity needed. You have given me a few tough day care drop offs but this was the first time I knew I could not run back to you, hold you and cure that strikingly somber look on your face.
You stood there among stranger's children, carrying a backpack that was grossly disproportionate to your tiny torso. It was a metaphorical sight, for today you would begin your journey towards your lean shoulders learning to carry heavier loads than you were previously used to in life. You would begin to face true social and emotional adversity and by trial and error, figure out how to navigate it. Let me tell you, when it comes to you being able to figure out life and find your identity, you are ahead of the game in that fight.
You carry with you the soft heart and pleasant disposition of your two grandfathers. You have a giant, selfless heart that may someday give your three grandmother's a run for their money. There are men that I know that have the greatest amount of tenacity for life that I've ever seen and you get to call them all "uncle". Half of you comes from a man who wears his heart on his sleeve; no matter what you are told, embracing your emotions is a strength and never a weakness. Hopefully you develop enough of my charisma to achieve compromises in life easier but not too much of it as to get you into trouble with women. Well, not too much. The other half of you comes from a woman that could not be a better mother; she is the definition of fearless and the level of effort she puts into those of her loved ones is second to no one else. If you can learn to "try" at half of her level, you are ahead of most of your competition.
You, my son, have the genetic cards dealt into your deck, stacked in your favor. I dare say that you have a support system around you that is remarkable, flexible, supportive and is well in tune to provide exactly what you need and never to deliver on our own needs over yours.
You have all of this going for you but the toughest part is sitting back and watching you play the hand. As much as I want to tell you how playing a certain card impacted me, you have to be the one to select one from your hand and put it in play. As much as I want to influence the risk assessed by the amount of the bet you want to make, I have to accept they are your chips to win and lose. I will support you through those losses but I have to let you feel their ramifications just as I will be with you through every win and allow you to revel in their victories.
You were named after the hopeless romantic fictional character Knox Overstreet from Dead's Poet society so you would do well to embody that spirit and live every day to its fullest. Most importantly, you will make us proud by discovering exactly who you are and living comfortably within the confines of what that wonderful human being will become. I love you with "anything and everything" that I am.
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