First and foremost, I must mention that Valentine's Day is a day that I do in fact celebrate. On this day, I was adopted before I was a year old so it will remain special to me. Secondly, I have rediscovered and begun to re-establish the love of a very special woman and I gladly celebrated that fact today. These are two beautiful reasons to celebrate on particular day within a month that I absolutely otherwise despise.
February is a month of loss for me.
This is the birth month of my sister that I lost just over 12 years ago. She was a woman that unfortunately did not do well to consistently live up to the potential that she showed flashes of throughout her life. Despite her short comings, she had a way to appreciate simpler things in life and her presence and unique laugh are ones that I cherish and appreciate, especially this month. I miss you, Traci.
Years ago this was the month that I also lost a dear friend mine to the disease of alcoholism. Jerry was one of those souls whose impact never leaves you. In the moments of adversity or depression, his attitude and the way he lived reminds me that there is always a silver lining to every cloud if you choose to look hard enough. I will always hold dear the spark for life he had whether or not I adequately let mine burn in homage to him. I miss you, Jerry.
I also suffered loss on my actual birth date, almost 38 years ago. This was the first and last day that I would be a part of my biological mother's life. She decided to give me up for adoption. She felt there was a loving family that would take me in and love me as their own. She was right; there was and they have. Despite the special place in my heart that my family will always hold, there will always be that sense of loss and I am strikingly reminded of every February.
Admittedly, as I grow older and fall more in love with being a father, the latter hits home harder every year. There are a few bright spots that I mentioned that make me appreciate a small part of February but overall it is riddled with reasons I wish to not celebrate it. Historically it is the coldest month of the year and I find that as masochistically pleasing as I do tragically ironic.
Please note, I am not looking for sympathy and would prefer if friends and family not riddle this post with words of encouragement. I simply wish to explain my disdain for this wintry period of time because as I have blogged about before, this process is therapeutic.
Continuing on the path of irony, February is immediately followed by Spring. This is the time after all the dead things die, seep into the ground and help to create new life. February is exactly that; my time to reflect, remember, appreciate and grow from. For those of you that know me well (and my affinity of reinventing myself) will understand this dramatic recognition tonight. I felt the need to gather up, dig through and the expel that which is pent up. This expulsion is just one process of many that creates a component of the person you might appreciate today. This may arrive to you with a darker tone but do not allow that to reside. The uniqueness of this process makes me, me and I could not be happier for it to be a part of who I am.
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