A Better Place

Two years ago, I was living in the basement of my own home and preparing to separate from my wife and start the divorce process. My head was filled with more concerns, fears and emotions that I knew what to do with. Autumn was beginning and being the person that searches for metaphors in everything in life, I recognized the dying of life around me only fit into the parallel that was my marriage. I was angry, alone, bitter and wounded. I was a victim.

I began to recognize that I added aspects to my personality that I had created to suit other people's needs. Shame on me for creating them in compensatory fashion in the first place but at least I ultimately recognized the need for their purging. I found myself last year and recently I made the mistake of underestimating the beauty of knowing what I am.

Earlier this year I was in a relationship that, at the time, I thought it impossible to go any better. Unfortunately the rubber of my perception met the road of reality and it cause an abrupt u-turn in the direction we were headed. It was then that I made the afore mentioned mistake. I defaulted to thinking what it was I could have possibly thought that I did wrong. My knee-jerk reaction was to put myself through re-invention mode because that's what I had always done and it always seemed to work. Something internal was awry and I could not figure it out until last week.

I realized I was making drastic changes like being more reserved at work, I did not touch alcohol for almost three weeks and tried to do some soul searching to find what changes I needed to make. This was the first time that I attempted my old habit of trying to reinvent myself solely for the purpose of change after the grueling task of reconciling (or "iReconciling" for those of you that followed that blog last year). I had the revelation that previously I would reinvent myself because what I was originally representing simply was not me. I was fake. Think of the old table that has layers upon layers of paint. It can fit the scheme of any room with a simple coat of paint. What I had done last year was strip away ever layer on that old table and simply added a stain to allow the natural beauty of the wood to shine. Now, I accept the fact that both this table will not fit every room and that it never has to.

This week I took off of work and was able to enjoy myself and things I love. I went to a football game with one of my best friends, reconnected with several old friends that I have not seen in months or even years, I read, I wrote, I laughed heartily and flirted deliberately. Hell, I even had a few drinks and was able simply enjoy what it feels like in my own skin.

As my son played soccer today, I cheered him on along with ex-wife, her boyfriend and Knox's older brother. Not one moment was any of it awkward. I was able to see her laugh and be happy with someone else and it felt good. I was able to tease the now young man I once called a step-son and it filled my heart.

All of the emptiness I felt has been replaced with love. All of the callous skin on my heart was exfoliated by appreciating what I have around me. All of the bitterness I held on to has been cast away with accepting the truth. I finally feel whole again. There is no disdain for anything or anyone in my rear view mirror. They will only receive a smile and an acknowledgment that the only thing they did was help shape me into the man I am proud to be today.