Table for one

For so long I have dined at a table for two, seemingly out of necessity. We feel the need to be paired because possibly that is what family, society or even the world possibly suggests. I have grown tired of attempting to fit that mold for now because, I do not feel as if I have ever fit comfortably within it. I am a mess.

Love is such a diverse emotion; it has the capability to lift us above anything we have ever known before and also has the potential to strike us down to a depth we may never wish to feel again. We have a powerful capacity to comprehend such a spectrum of feelings that it is a wonder we ever find ourselves to settle upon a single one. I have yet to find solace upon anything and the moment that I believe I might have found a stable footing, it has crumbled below me. The weight of that caving may be rested upon the shoulders of infidelity, deceit, dishonesty and even a lack of effort on my own part. If we are created in an image to love then why is it sometimes so difficult for some of us to accept it when love arrives?

When you have reached out so many times, you examine the results of when you have connected as well as when you have not and what that backlash feels like. Either way, if you have failed in that endeavor so many times can the idea of halting that reach actually be shunned?

At first I thought 'yes'. We have an obligation to love as our lungs are obligated to resperate; it is natural therefore it must be. When the towel hits the mat, it is our duty to rise again. I have since learned that naively getting back up off of the mat, equipped with the knowledge of only what put you down in the first place may not be the best course of action. Sometimes that towel must stay down and the day you live to fight for again must not be tomorrow but yet in the distant future. Within this metaphor, within that logic is where my heart currently resides. The time has come to retreat and cease attempt because there is something inherently wrong with my approach that consistently gets me knocked out.

Time is an invaluable commodity and I plan to spend some of it alone. I take the short term loss in hopes of yielding a long term gain. The actions I have taken have led me to where I am; a place I am depressed. Those same actions will not send me to where I wish to be and I am taking time to acknowledge that.

I will sit at a proverbial table for one. The view across from me is an empty chair and I am so disturbed by it yet I will not shun it. I will not seek to fill that empty chair as immediately as I will seek to understand what fills the chair that I occupy. I am far less than the charismatic, passionate and boisterous personality that I embody. Trust that I may very well be just a lackluster, apprehensive and confused individual that is not comfortable in his own skin.

I do, however, recognize not what it will take to fix this but that this disconnect exists between what I am and what people perceive. Recognition is the first step in addressing and internal issues are most adequately addressed at a table for one. I will sit here until I am content. I will commit to holding an unfamiliar blanket of solitude until I can embrace it and wrap myself in it without discomfort. Somehow, hopefully in the very near future it will bring me warmth. Until then, I will sit at this table for one until I am ready to ask for the bill and confidently pay it myself.