Looking over my last blog post, I still recognize that I am on what feels like the right path. I recently had what I found to be a bit of a revelation or a milestone, if you will, along that road that I'd like to share. A friend of mine recently mentioned something he read, allow me to paraphrase; "People that have anxiety live in the future and people that have depression are stuck in the past. Live in the present".
Well, something I said in that post was that some aspect of me masochistically enjoys depression but I wasn't sure why at that point. In that paraphrase above and after much thought, it makes more sense. I have found that when one is depressed, it seems to have a bit of a jail cell feel to it. I know, it's a common metaphor, bear with me. The irony is that we keep ourselves in that cell. Every crack on the wall is familiar to us. Every crevice is carefully studied to the point it feels like an old friend. There is a strong familiarity you are filled with when you cannot emotionally kick start yourself out of a funk because essentially you are in your own head; you know exactly how it feels, hence familiarity. We all have a comfort level around what we know and sometimes we stick to that. I believe that's why I stayed in it so long and couldn't shake it.
As I explored that cell and really got to know it, it occurred to me that any remorseful thoughts I had or hurt that I felt was not the entity that put the lock on the door; I was. I allowed myself to live in the past. I played out the fantasy of how a relationship would come back around again. I felt remorse for a heart that I had knowingly broken. I put myself through anguish because I didn't take the steps I originally wanted to better provide for my son. I invoked negative self talk for things I had failed at in my job. It was awful, unnecessary and all in the past. I had to let it go. I put that fucking lock on the door myself and it was time to break it open.
Driving to work the other day, a song came on that spoke to me. The lyrics were one that rang of surrendering and finally feeling free with moving on. The sun was shining and I had some things to be excited about at my job. I had everything right there in front of me to move on and just needed to throw up a white flag and surrender to that which ailed me. Before I knew it, in truly ridiculous and dramatic fashion, I had tears running down my face and I was laughing all at the same time. The driver in front of me was lucky I didn't rear end him in the overcome emotional state I was in. You see, I forgave myself and that was all I needed to hear.
I acknowledged that I was okay with putting that lock on the door. The emotional torment I put myself through was unjustified and could finally end. I was not upset with the time I had wasted or any opportunity I'd let pass by because I knew now that there would only be more on the horizon.
For anyone that fights that fight consistently, my heart goes out to you. You might believe outside circumstances have perpetuated the feelings you have now. Part of that may be true but you have a choice. A cliche tells us that even though we get knocked down, the substantial response is to stand back up no matter what the level of adversity. Rise. Then rise again. Loving yourself and surrendering to what you cannot control is the only adequate energy in getting your legs under you. Friends, family, loved ones can support but you have to choose to stand. I rose and I stand now. Granted those legs may be sea legs at best and I will probably falter from time to time. Regardless of the state, I have arrived and I am here.
Where is here? The present. My goodness, the view is plentiful and the warmth ever so intoxicating.
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