Coming To My Terms

There are times when people become so lost in a mental ailment that they seek a guide to help get them out, professional help.

In my adolescence, I faced something that required me to go through a type of counseling. My opinion of that experience was not one of help but one of meddling. I honestly believe that that process did more bad then good so I am admittedly bias against enlisting that type of help should I need to in the future. That's my motive operandi though, internalization. I will push everyone out and away and work to methodically pin the problem down, dissect it, understand it and then embrace it. When that process is through, I will re-emerge and connect. I am not saying that this is the correct way to handle things but just what seems to work for me or at least the action I default to.

I have finally been able to uncover the identity of a severe problem I have had for the last 18 months. Initially I thought it was just a broken heart and it would pass but it was a deeper affliction than that. My work has completely changed which yields a lot of frustration and anxiety but this was more circumstantial than that. Finally I uncovered that what I have been truly dealing with is depression. Sounds crazy, right? The folks I interact with on a regular basis would probably tell you I am upbeat, always positive and that I laugh loud and often. This is all true but I know that many times it is me over-compensating for the fulfillment I lack.

Paradoxically spoken, depression is a funny thing. Those who have never suffered with it have trouble comprehending how someone cannot just move on, let go, change their outlook and perk up. For those that have dealt (or do deal) with it, it is difficult to explain but I will give it a shot for the sake of the writing exercise.

Depression is not so much an incompleteness in someone's heart as it is a tiny black hole in the center of one's soul. A black hole uses immense gravitational force to draw in every thing around it. The pull of it is so great that it even pulls light in and never releases it. That is exactly what depression does to any amount of happiness we may experience in our lives. Psychologists theorize on the chemical nature of depression from their outside perspective just as scientists must hypothesize externally from the internal nature of these gravitational anomalies.

I do not have a map for my way out of this and do not wish to hire a makeshift cartographer to help. The internalization process I mentioned before had already begun and whether it was right or wrong, I began to push people away. For a significant amount of time I stayed out of the bars and dried out, so to speak. I understand exactly what the issue is now and embrace the fact that it is indeed a problem. I have found what I believe is a path out of these woods and have a ways to go but it feels right. The odd truth is that in some masochistic way, there are qualities of depression that I actually enjoy. That part I haven't quite figured out yet but I have grown tired of self loathing. The encore to my pity party is winding down. Time is a powerful force and I just need to continue to apply it and for me to stay the course.

I purposely held back on posting this blog entry because I feared the potential reaction from family and friends. To get to the center of this, I needed solitude and my guess is I would have gotten anything but that had I posted it while dealing with this. I am hard-headed, naive, and quick to deny help; I get it. Evolution has physically brought defense mechanisms to living things much like experiences do to humans but on a psychological level. Either instance should be accepted as a natural behavior and not looked at indifferently.

This has been my lesson to learn, these were my terms to come to and this was my  personal evolution. They say you do not appreciate what you have until it's gone and being content is something I have both missed dearly and long for again. The difference this time is that my appetite is more well suited to crave something that is actually healthy for me.

My appetite is wet and I am almost home.