Somewhere, possibly in London, you walk in a truly naive fashion. You entered into a relationship decades ago that has now probably been swept away in a sea of youthful learning experiences. What you learned from that broken relationship has possibly shaped the man you are today, or perhaps it has not. I don't know. I have no idea. The point is yet still naively you walk but this is no fault of your own. That fault lies with her for now.
Never in your wildest dreams would you ever fathom that that relationship you discarded so long ago could have ever yielded something with such momentous impact in your life today. Now, you probably live a life that pays no tribute to that relationship. Why would it? There would be no need. You were possibly in your early twenties, living in a country, foreign to your own. When the relationship broke apart, you headed to back England to restart. This time period probably seems like a lifetime ago.
What if I told you that relationship yielded a child that you never knew of? What if I told you that not only do you have a son that turns 37 today but a wondrously curious and starry-eyed grandson that turns 5 next month. God, is he a beautiful soul. I wish you knew. He serves as such a bright light in a dark, dreary world for me and I wish you could share in that light. As jarring as that would be, I long to see that expression on your face when you find out.
You have no idea that we even exist. There is no telegram we can order, no email we can write, no Facebook friend request we can send and there is certainly not a telephone number we can dial to find you. You will remain a stranger that I may never know and we remain a concept you have no idea to even conceive. That hurts tremendously.
My son will grow up in a family on his mothers side that he is physically related to and knows well. It is such a wonderful family to be a part of. He can look to them and physically identify the likeness between them and himself. As the representative of his his father's side, I cannot offer that convenience. You have no idea what I would pay, what I would give or what I would sacrifice for him or myself to have that luxury. There is no unit of value that identifies or encompasses that potential debt, it is emotionally priceless.
My only link to you is a woman that 8 years ago decided she wasn't ready to meet me. Your only option to learn of me resides within the guilty heart of a woman that decided to never speak of me. Her own parents, her own spouse of 25 or more years and his children have just as much of an idea that she conceived me 37 years ago today that you do; absolutely none.
I believe in the power of attraction. I believe that the things I ask the universe for will eventually come to fruition. I do not pray but every night before I fall asleep I think of you and I think of her. I send thoughts to my biological mother that she find the strength to face the adversity she must in order to find her way to me. I hope as she ages, she finally casts off the regard for what others might think of her and then she might reach out to me. This would lead me to you. I know exactly what it's like to find out you have a son, soon to be born, in the womb. I have no comprehension of what it would be like to find that your first born turns 37 today by I hope to somehow inflict that adversity upon you one day.
I've never met you but I have missed you. I wish you could feel some fraction of the emotion I felt to write this. I wish I could bare witness to the shock and tears that mine and my son's existence might perpetuate upon you. I hope we can inconvenience you one day and I will continually wish for her to take that first step in order for that to occur.
This is your son wishing you well on my birthday in hopes that you and I somehow stumble upon a broken, difficult road that leads us to one another. I look forward to sharing in the strange type of healing endeavor that only a father and son can partake in after a lifetime of being separated.
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