Nomad

Leading up to my eighteenth birthday, I already knew that I wanted to leave Aiken, SC. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I knew I needed to leave. I had a GPA that reflected the sub-par passion I had for school and knew it would get me no where but a local, community college and I tried that route. Regardless of my terrible collegiate effort, in 1998, having a few hundred dollars in my pocket and with my parents help, my brother and all his support took a one-way flight to Atlanta. Next thing I knew, I was following my parents to the airport and then he rode shotgun while we headed North. This is what I wanted at the time.

Looking back now, since then I have done nothing but roam from situation to situation (whether it be logistical or romantic) becoming a proverbial vagabond; an emotional nomad. Since then, in 18 more years, I have bounced around between Arizona and a relationship here, to South Carolina and a relationship there and then ultimately to Michigan with relationships everywhere... nothing lasting more than 4 years; marriage included. In my last blog, I assimilated myself to a wrecking ball. Holy shit was I right with that.

Some people can jump from relationship to relationship without issue. When they find the one that works, they keep it and then no one knows the difference. Me? No way. For whatever nature vs. nurture or incomprehensible reason, I cannot. God forbid I look at emotional adversity with logic and move on. No...I have to dissect exactly what happened, take it in for every painful thing I perceive it to be and then, maybe then, think about moving on in some light regard. Oh, and don't let me find some new romance during that process. I will back burner everything in sight of that new found attention and ignore the festering, obnoxiously loud pink elephant in the room that begs to be addressed... No, I will ignore Hell and high water and the swelling levy. Just when I think I have my backyard clean and think I am emotionally available and that life is good, THAT is when said levy breaks and I attempt to emotionally claim that I never saw it coming and throw up a white flag. This is both idiotic and self deprecating.

I need for the chain to my wrecking ball to cease to swing so that I can finally find my center. I achieved this two years ago. I had what I thought was perspective and a partner that worked. I thought that what I had at that time was a new momentum but we could not hold on. I have yet to deal with that and I swing violently again looking to slow. I can suffer collateral damage no longer. It hurts too much and my heart demands it to finally be still.

So, here's to slowing to a liberating halt in 2016 and finding that center again. Distractions be damned, I will finally discover the standstill that I require this year.