White Flag

I surrender. I quit. I relinquish my sword. I give up.

As I approach the age of 37 next week, I am left to embrace the fact that I am a single, divorced father. I have nothing left to do but accept just that. Since my divorce three years ago, you may have seen me rise through Facebook posts, born witness to tagged pictures or may have heard stories of a significant other but alas, to this point, none of those situations have actually substantiated to anything that has worked. That is not to say that I am without fault, just stating the status.

I submit to the idea that right now, I am in no (nor may I have been in any) condition to take on a relationship with anyone, no matter how much I think it might work or might have worked. Years ago, a friend playfully dubbed me as a "serial monogamist" but I now find that term as funny as it is accurate.

I really thought I had it. I did. Not long ago, I looked back and recognized how throughout my life leading up to my marriage, I cannon-balled through relationship after relationship and finally recognized the collateral damage I left in my path. I waxed poetic on how harmful that was and moved away from doing so. Then, before I realized it, for the past two years, I had been doing the same. My intent was true but execution was coupled with ill regard for the others around me. That trespass is mine to own.

In the wake of solitude, many of us would arrive to different conclusions. According to our friends, we either have yet to meet "that" person or find that someone that is "just right" for us.  All of this assumes there is someone out there designed for us. Horseshit.

What if there isn't? What if everyone was individually charged with the task of finding the person they are able to exclusively make the general concept of life work with them? What if we needed to condition ourselves to the idea that we not only individually have to be ready for the opportunity to meet the right person but we held ourselves accountable to making the right decisions with that person once we met them? Further along that point, what if some of us have just been unlucky? Perhaps we even make bad decisions in choosing who in the first place. Maybe we stuck around too long or gave too many chances to who we thought the right person was. Perhaps, perhaps,perhaps but who knows?

For now, I am done trying. For now, 2016 is mine and my son's. I will look forward to taking a larger step towards home ownership this year, working on my poetry and writing more than just when I feel inspired, focusing on the abundant amount of opportunities I have in my career right now and even addressing this developing "Dad bod" I have going on right now. If by the end of the summer I have six months worth of my bills in a savings account, a substantial amount of writing work completed, feel really good about the consistency of my performance in my career and can post the most douchebag photo of myself (I'm talking shirt off, bathroom selfie and complete with ear buds and tilted baseball cap) then I'll consider the first half of 2016 a success.